What
a bumper week! I’m sure the Sunday Times Editor has become a speed
addict?
In
the news, and in no particular order, we have:
Brexit
Divorce Bill to be Kept Secret
Partying
BA crews “knackered” on job
Kungfu
Mandarins get set for Brexit brawls
Tube
Panic Fight misheard as fire
Dear
Santa Claus: Fido wants cologne an beer this year
Inmates
become Top Chefs from doing porridge
DNA
test curbs news’ power to stop new homes
Trump
rejects being man of the year – probably
Rod
Liddle Editorial
Hell
Toupee: mothers cause male baldness
Stick
to Pretty Fish, Sir Attenborough, and stop blubbing about dead
whales
Stick
to Pretty Fish, Sir Attenborough, and stop blubbing about dead
whales
Let’s
start at the end. Jeremy Clarkson is nothing if not controversial
and somewhat amusing. So,when he picks on that icon, Sir David
Attenborough, he must be on shaky ground. Now throw in some whales
(everybody loves whales) and he on the proverbial hiding to nothing,
surely? Not quite. His point is that David is making some very
beautiful programmes about the sea and he need not take every
opportunity to enhance his Eco-warrior credentials. Jeremy’s
credo: “I don’t want to sell my Range Rover because some coral
is picky about sea temperatures”.
He’s
so amazingly wrong it takes the breath away that he is allowed a
mouthpiece to spout such drivel. The sea is at our mercy and we are
not doing it very much good at the moment. Come to think of it we
have been exploiting the sea for so many generations it is has become
just part of the Homo sapiens culture. No amount of Attenborough is
likely to stop it, either. Find another topic, Clarkson.
Hell
Toupee: mothers cause male baldness
Crikey,
I’ve been saying this for years! it’s all in the female hormones.
A study has found that the most important genes controlling hair
loss are on the X chromosome – which men get from their mothers.
The real bad news: baldness is linked to a higher risk of heart
disease. (Mal says, if that’s so how come bald men have not died
out of the gene pool by natural selection?)
It’s
time to concrete over Oxfordshire or we could just curb immigration
Ron
Liddle’s “editorial” (and I use the term very loosely), makes
for entertaining, if not enlightening, reading. His point is that if
only we stopped immigration (no guessing from where we would get
staff for the NHS – just as an example) letting in the number of
immigrants each year equal to a city the size of Newcastle; we would
have no housing shortage or problem at all.
This
is one of those simplistic analyses that some folks are so fond of
(Journalists mostly – and bloggers). I was surprised to see that
Ron had joined the ranks of the NIMBY BRIGADE.
Ron
explains: “. . . the government had identified an area ripe for
development: the Cambridge, Milton Keynes, Oxford corridor. Up to a
million homes there. I was unaware there was a corridor between
Cambridge and Oxford. I thought between the two cities lay
Bedfordshire, Hertfordshire and a bit of Buckinghamshire. . . but to
the government it’s just a corridor.”
Ron
misses the point. This corridor is not just green and pleasant land,
it’s the heart of England (at least the South-east) it’s where
people would like to live – if only they could afford to.
Which
brings me neatly to the lack of affordable housing. I’ll just use
Wroxham as the example. Here we have about 1000 new homes being
built within a five mile radius. Go as far as Rackheath and you can
add another 2000. What no-one ever explains is - who are the people
who are buying these homes? They are the the product of “of our
uncontrolled and unsustainable immigration, which the government
vowed to sort out but has been useless in doing so.” That’s what
Ron says.
OK,
so very poor, unskilled, rapacious and probably dirty immigrants are
buying up our new homes in Wroxham.
Yea,
right!
The
more usual explanation is that people who are moving out of London
fuel the East Anglian house price inflation. There is some truth in
this. But a million? Year on year? Balderdash!
This
time the government is right. More homes have to be built. Now.
And lots of them. Ron is full of it. And it smells.
Trump
rejects being Man of the Year – probably
No
edition of the Sunday Times would be complete, of course, without a
lets-take-the-piss-out-of-Donald-Trump story. This one is just too
funny!
Apparently
tennis star Andy Murray took to Twitter to claim that the BBC was
PROBABLY going to name him as Sports Personality of the Year
mimicking Trump’s refusal to commit to the idea that Time Magazine
might name bestow upon him the title of Man of the Year.
There
is a serious side to this. I was watching the Archbishop of
Canterbury squirming when he was asked if he would meet with Trump
when he visits the UK. He eventually agreed that Trump is an idiot.
He then struggled to explain how Trump could possibly attract such
support from avowedly Christian fundamentalists in the USA. The poor
old Archbish just gave up!
Love
it!
Inmates
become Top Chefs from doing porridge
I
honestly thought that it was April 1st.
Nope.
As part of their rehabilitation, inmates at HMP Style, HMP Cardiff
and HMP High Down beat 134 other restaurants to the title of best
restaurant. Prisoners nearing the end of their sentences train to
become chefs and produce Michelin star-rated food. Folks queue up to
sample their fare.
A
three
course meal at HMP Style costs £34. The waitress has an NVQ Level
Two in professional cookery.
No
kidding.
DNA
test curbs newts’ power to stop new homes
You
can’t keep homes off the menu (apologies to HMP Style)
Hurray!
Some bright spark has just realised that you could use a DNA test to
find out if any Great Crested Newts are in a particular pond.
Fantastic,
I hear you scream!
No,
seriously,this is a serious problem for house builders. These newts
are a protected species and all the NIMBYS have to do to clog up the
house-building works is claim there might be newts in the vicinity
and they must be protected.
This
simple test, devised by Natural England, will show if newts are
present of not. Bugger me, said a NIMBY spokesperson. (Actually, I
made that last bit up!) The Home Builders Federation said it
welcomed the new approach. (You bet your sweet bippy they did!)
Dear
Santa Claus: Fido wants cologne an beer this year
England
is a nation of dog-lovers. The pooches are catered for extensively.
(before
we go on I must declare an interest – I walk the dog and I have a
handy holder attached to her lead (leash) which holds small plastic
bags in which to place any doggy poo that ensues. I had a great
idea! Why not make, market and sell doggy-poo-bags which are
recyclable? At present the doggy bins are emptied and the contents
go to landfill (as far as I can ascertain). Recyclable bags would
produce compost which could be sold (even if not in the UK, for
heaven’s sake, surely somebody would buy it!). Yet another great
Mal idea not taken up)
This
year for Christmas you can purchase: Pawsecco, beer and Christmas
jumpers for your dog. Tesco tells us that sales of festive stuff for
pets has increased four-fold. You will be able to purchase a Luke
Skywalker lead which lights up like a light-sabre. Your can buy
Barbour cologne for dogs (no Mabel I am not making this up, honest!)
Christmas gingerbread biscuits for dogs at Waitrose are available at
£19.95. Aldi is selling candy canes to hang from the tree – made
from rawhide bones.
A
spokesperson said, “People who do not have pets might think this is
a bit strange.” What, only a bit! (I tell you they are not saving
all the best April Fools stories for April.)
Tube
Panic Fight misheard as fire
In
the News in Brief section we learn that the chaos in central London
the other day was just a misunderstanding. A bad case of Chinese
whispers on the tube platform caused the panic. Someone shouted
“fight” when two lads squared up to each other and by the time it
was relayed down the platform “fight” had become “fire” and
someone hit the alarm. (You could not make it up – but then again
perhaps you could. The most interesting part of the saga was how Sky
News (a 24 hour news channel) tried desperately to make a story out
for this for a full hour and seemed somewhat disappointed there was
no terrorist threat in the end.)
Kungfu
Mandarins get set for Brexit brawls
Maybe
Sunday was a a particularly slow news day? Fears that the
Brexit-loving public might cut up rough with the perceived Remoaners
in Whitehall the Department for Exiting the EU is offering
self-defence classes to its staff.
(any
chance they might just cancel Brexit instead? I thought not
-otherwise you would not need a Department for Exiting the EU at all)
Brexit
Divorce Bill to be Kept Secret
On
the very same topic, it appears that the final bill for getting out
of the EU will not be published or even publicised. St Teresa has
agreed to hand over £40 billion to get out of the EU, but not tell
anyone – particularly the voters.
(I
was watching the BBC’s flagship mid-day politics programme, Daily
Politics, when the guest (who happened to be a female MP, whose name
I either didn’t get or have forgotten) chirped up with the
dichotomy of all dichotomies. MP for a staunchly Brexiting
constituency, she explained how she now was a Brexit supporter who
just wants a good deal for Britain. She almost let slip the old
“will of the people” clap-trap, but managed to stop just short.
At present, there seems to be no appetite to re-run the Brexit
Referendum. Will this state of affairs last forever? Probably,
unless dishonest MP (like the one above) grow some cajones
(figuratively speaking for the lady MP). Political suicide, but I
would love some MP (perhaps one with a terminal disease) to simply
state the obvious. The voters are stupid. The voters didn’t know
what they were doing. The voters are basically thick as dog-shit and
were peddled a load of dog-shit by dog-shit loving Brexiteers who
don’t give a monkey’s rats ass about the voters and just want to
carry on regardless. That would be refreshing.)
And
now we find that for the first time in 800 years the Irish have
grabbed the pussy of the UK and are not going to let go! They have a
veto on any eventual agreement. They want to ensure seamless
commerce between Eire and NI. The UK government is in hock to the
DUP, and they will never, never, never (apologies to the late Ian
Paisley) agree to anything that even appears to join NI with Eire.
Solution in sight? Never.
Partying
BA crews “knackered” on job
I
saved the best for last.
I
must declare an interest here. Some of my family used to do long
haul flights (not BA) and from the stories they tell this article is
just about spot on.
BA
bosses have reprimanded staff for unacceptable behaviour at hotels
during long-haul trips. The staff have been having raucous parties
an drinking heavily.
Down
in Joburgh, Las Vegas, Bangkok and Singapore the parties have gotten
out of hand. With more young crew on the long-hauls it more like
TOWIE (The only way is Essex) than the old British Airways way.
A
BA source said that crews are packing a lot in during their 24 hours
down time. They sleep, drink, go on safaris (when in Johannesburg)
and when they get back on the flight they are knackered.
BA
cabin crew and pilots are banned from drinking alcohol for eight
hours before reporting for duty and are supposed to drink only in
moderation 24 hours beforehand
Good
luck with that one!
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